Blog 1 of 6: Welcome to my bare all!
/There have been so many times I wanted to share what was happening in my life. I wanted to tell people why I was grieving or why I was celebrating, but I couldn’t communicate without being cryptic. It’s hard to be transparent when everything is a big secret. So, I’ve decided to bare it all and get uncomfortably real. Why? Because hiding everything is exhausting and isolating. Also, because I’m excited and terrified for our next step and I want people to understand how we got here.
Welcome to my bare all.
I’ve written a six blogs series to tell the raw side of infertility and how it led my husband and me down a path we never imagined.
It’s not a secret that we’ve been trying to grow our family for a long time. I incorporated some of our journey in Pink F*cking Moscato. But before I really get into our story, it’s important you read the following.
Let’s talk about endometriosis for a minute.
The first time I remember reading about endometriosis was in 2015, a few months before the doctor diagnosed me.
For the record, I’m sure they touched on it in nursing school, but it wasn’t a big enough topic to stick with me. So, I learned about it from a pamphlet given to me by one of the worst gynecologist offices I have ever had the pleasure of leaving. I literally remember saying, “Thank God I don’t have that!”
OOPS!
One in ten women of reproductive age have endometriosis. It is a condition in which tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrium) is found outside the uterus, where it induces a chronic inflammatory reaction that may result in scar tissue. The inconsistencies with endo make it difficult to understand, and it can take years to get an accurate diagnosis. You can have a mild case with severe pain or a severe case with little pain and anything in-between. It can cause cramping. Periods are generally irregular, abnormal, heavy, or just all-around painful. It can cause GI issues and infertility. Some women even experience severe discomfort with sex. Oh, and it can spread into your bowel, bladder, lungs, and it’s even been found in the brain. 1 in 10 ladies!
When I got the brochure from the worst GYN office ever, I thought I just had cysts on my ovaries, but they weren’t just any ol’ cysts. These cysts were chocolate and grew to the size of grapefruits. Endometriosis is diagnosed through surgery, but every doctor knew before they opened me up.
Talking about my lady bits with a bunch of people is uncomfortable, but you know what else is uncomfortable, unbearable endo pain while you’re trying to work through your day. I had to take time off work for something no one could physically see. It was a very uncertain and exhausting time for me. I wanted to crawl into a hole (with my heating pad) and die. The night before my endo surgery, I watched a sitcom (the com in sitcom stands for COMEDY). In this particular sitcom, one of the main characters dies during surgery. It was not the funny episode I needed right before I went under the knife. I disowned the show for a while after that.
Endometriosis is one of those illnesses that people don’t talk about because it’s uncomfortable. I was almost thirty years old before I found out about it. At the time, I felt embarrassed about my diagnosis. I felt no one really understood what I was going through. (I didn’t know about the 1 in 10 back then) I worried my husband would stop loving me because of the pain and insecurities I dealt with daily. It was an irrational fear brought on by the continuous pain, but it was traumatic. Having an illness people can’t see made me feel crazy, but it didn’t make it any less real. I recently found myself validating someone else who has endo. She felt the same craziness that I felt and needed the same validation I did when I was at my worst. Do you know how I found out she had endo? She was hunched over, covering her stomach and trying to work through her day, just dealing with the pain because she already knew nothing would make it better. It’s so draining!
One of my biggest fears in life is pain. Dealing with chronic pain is something awful that so many don’t understand. Surgery took away most of my pain, but every time I get a flare-up, fear rears its ugly head. I don’t want to go through the worst of it again.
There is no cure for endometriosis, but they list it as a treatable disorder. Treatable? There are treatments, but many of them involve other health risks and multiple surgeries. Diet and lifestyle make a difference for some, but not everyone. I’m not trying to scare anyone. I’m trying to tell you that those who suffer from endo kick ass, and I want everyone to know it! I’d also really like to spread awareness. It shouldn’t be as mysterious as it is right now. Funding tends to go toward life-threatening illnesses, and it should but send a little funding this way to help all those suffering from chronic pain.
It breaks my heart to see women posting (in a closed group), “How can I make sex tolerable?” And there are hundreds of responses because it’s not just a needle in a haystack. It’s one in ten, and though not all of them will have every symptom, it hurts to see how many women do.
And for those women who are unhappy with your current gynecologist, LEAVE THEM! I figured each office was probably about the same. NOT TRUE! I love my current gynecologist and seriously wish I would’ve transferred sooner. I encourage anyone who doesn’t feel heard to switch immediately. There are some amazing doctors out there. Find the good ones!