I held the hand of a dying woman.

Tis the season for a grateful heart.

I held the hand of a dying woman. Her diagnosis of Alzheimer’s was devastating to her when she first heard. She had always been a smart and active woman. In the last year of her life, she couldn’t remember much, but she still knew how to play the piano. It was incredible, and then I watched as she lost that ability, too. I watched her cry for her husband, the love of her life, as she begged to go home. But home wasn’t safe for her and her husband was too sick to care for her. He could barely care for himself. 

I was there one day when her husband came to visit. She quickly recognized him, and they held each other and sobbed. I wanted to sob, too. I definitely shed a few tears. Relationships aren’t supposed to end like that. Her husband couldn’t be with her in the last days of her life and that’s not right! I might sound like a kid throwing a temper tantrum because I know life isn’t fair, and it definitely isn’t always kind, but some things just shouldn’t be allowed. 

I have watched people grieve losses that happened years before as if it’s the first time they are hearing of it. I have seen them relive the worst moments of their lives. A woman in her nineties lived a good life, but the trauma she went through as a child tormented in her last years. She would call out for her mother and needed constant reassurances that she was safe.

I have watched people who knew exactly what was going on, but their words refused to cooperate with their will—their minds trapped inside their bodies. 

As a caregiver, we always make sure needs are met, but it’s beautiful when we know and understand an individual well enough to satisfy a want. A can of coke can make someone’s day — a straw, a reassurance, a listening ear, some company, a stroll outside. I try to do these things. I can’t always do them, and I can’t be everywhere at once.

The volunteers and families that come and help are a Godsend. I’ve seen them comfort people and do those little things that are so huge to one person. They brighten lives.

Our healthcare system is seriously flawed. Not everyone can afford healthcare, and it is a field that is continuously understaffed, so people aren’t always getting the care they deserve. We even force people to do tests they don’t need because insurance won’t cover the tests they need until they get the one they don’t. That is insane! Before I go full-on rant, I’m going to get back on track. 

I was having a rough moment at work the other day as a woman was screaming at me because she was ready to leave, insisting someone was there to pick her up. No one was there. She shouted for a good hour, and if anyone tried to engage her, she would act out, her mind inventing a different reality — a worse reality. A reality none of us could fully understand.

On top of that, someone else fell, and someone was complaining about something I had no control over. I felt myself getting irritated. I was getting snippy, so I took a breath, realizing how much I had to be thankful for. Tis the season for a grateful heart. I remembered the health I so often take for granted. I remembered I have a sound mind and have the power to change my attitude. I have a comfortable life with stable relationships. I am fortunate enough to be able to follow my dreams, and I have the opportunity to help these people.

My mom told me that my day job keeps me grounded. It does that for sure. It reminds me that I won’t always be in the prime of my life. It’s so important to learn how to love yourself and the life you have. Appreciate every moment to the best of your ability. I know I’m going to at least try.